Make Out Education
by KonahaWolf
Summary: After his girlfriend of two years walks from his life for good, Iruka is stunned to find Anko Mitarashi sharing his teaching job at the academy. The problem is, she is the sex ed teacher, and has her own way of doing things. AnkoXIruka
1. Chapter 1

**AUTHORS NOTE: **Ok well here is my first multi chapter comedy fic. Yes it completely contrasts my other multi chapter story I know. I would really appreciate reviews if you could tell me what you think!

**MAKE OUT EDUCATION **

**Chapter One**

(The Horror Begins)

Anko slumped back in her chair lazily. She sighed as she stuffed yet another dango into her large mouth. What was she supposed to do now that the chuunin exams were over? They just usually happened once or twice a year, and each time they came to a close, she found herself in this dilemma. Sarutobi didn't exactly find it to his liking to send her out on any missions either. She growled softly under her breath. For the life of her she couldn't figure out why either. Perhaps it was her skittish nature, or maybe he just didn't like her all that much.

"Humph," she shrugged the thought of, munching on yet another dumpling kebab.

"Well at least now I can have some peace and quiet," she chuckled to herself, but she was cut short when the sound of frantic knocking rung through her house. She jumped to her feet, immediately darting towards the door. She was almost certain it was an emergency when she swung it open and found herself looking down at a bare footed village kid, holding onto the rail of her staircase just so he could catch his breath.

"Anko Meet-your-arsey…" his voice trailed off as he met her un-amused glare. She took a deep breath, _breathe Anko…just breathe_ she whispered to herself inwardly.

"It's Mitarashi," she corrected, folding her arms and leaning back. His jaw gaped open from intimidation for a moment before he continued.

"Th-the Hokage wishes to see you," he gasped, still trying to consume all the air his snotty nose could, and Anko had to refrain from laughing out loud as it made a slight gurgling noise. Suddenly she snapped back into to reality as she realised from the expression on the kids face that this was probably urgent. Without another word, she darted past him, leaving the child completely speechless.

**XXX**

'_Hmm, I wonder what he needs me for… heh, maybe some super important S-ranked mission or something. That'd score me some great dough,' _she thought to herself as she approached his office. '_Anko Mitarashi… hero of Konoha,' _she beamed as she entered the room and bowed respectfully.

"Anko," Sarutobi leaned backwards in his chair, turning his neck each way quickly to click it. She couldn't help but cringe as she heard that sickening crunching sound.

"Considering you are not currently busy with any missions I presume, I would like to hire you for a slightly less dangerous job,"

At that, her shoulders sank in disappointment as she watched her dreams of becoming Konoha's next hot shot fly out the window.

"I would like you to teach at the academy,"

"What?!" she stormed towards him, fists in the air.

"Whoa… back up," he raised two hands in front of his face for protection, "I know you do well in the chuunin exams with the kids, these ones are just slightly younger."

She paused, letting her fists drop, "Oh really?" Her lip curved up slightly and she leaned back arrogantly, "What makes you say that?"

"Well ughh… I mean we often have positive results in the chuunin exams, and I partly think that could be due to your umm… encouragement."

Her muscles loosened, allowing her Hokage to flatter her.

"Also, this class may not be quite as drab as you expect it to be."

"Oh?"

"Yes we have decided to bring in a new programme. A HEALTH class…"

"A health class?" She tilted her head in confusion.

"Yes, a sexual education class has proved to be needed, as to reduce the young kunoichi pregnancy rate,"

She looked up, chuckling slightly, "And you want _me?"_

"Yes," he nodded his head some what enthusiastically.

"Well I'm flattered," she licked her lips seductively, making Sarutobi's spine crawl. She loved to tease him like this, knowing he was secretly every bit a pervert as that gungie Kakashi guy.

"So when do I start?"

**XXX**

"Huh," Anko scoffed as she shuffled through the teaching manual, cringing at the technical diagrams sprinkled throughout the pages. It all seemed a lot less simple than it actually was. Just what were they intending to teach these kids? It wasn't like it was rocket science or anything. Even Anko, the nuttiest woman in town knew that safe sex was about as simple as glad-wrapping a carrot. And she also knew another thing, if some old decrepit hag slumped into the class tomorrow, the drone of her voice would make the kids _want _to give up being shinobi and pop out a hundred kids. So, tossing her curriculum aside, she made a decision; this wasn't just going to be your jo-average class.

**XXX**

"C'mon Haru," Iruka pleaded, "We can work this out,"

Haru tucked her long black hair under her shirt collar as she readied herself to walk out the door of their apartment. She had contemplated doing this many times before as her glass half full happiness had slowly dissipated over the past few years. "I'm sorry Iruka… but I just can't," she whispered so quietly he barely caught what she said, as she slid the thin paper door open the first inch. Pausing slightly, she opened her mouth to speak, but changed her mind immediately. Sucking back the tears, and shaking her head weakly, she pulled the slider open completely, and walked from Iruka's life for good.

Stunned by something he almost knew was coming, Iruka stumbled backwards, and slumped into the chair, winded.

Had what he thought was the love of his life just walked out on him for good? His hand sunk into his pocket, clutching a small velvet box and drawing it out. And just like that, he tossed the engagement ring aside, just as he had done with his hope.

**XXX**

Anko had had a bad start to the day, but that was to be expected on her part. She almost always had trouble sleeping through a night fully, and was certainly not a morning person. So when her alarm screamed into her ear early the morning of her first class, she only groaned, slapping her hand violently on her clock, an attempt to shut it up, but unintentionally managed to smash it into dozens of pieces. She did not notice however, she only rolled over, and drifted back into the world of sleep.

So naturally, she arrived late at the academy. Straightening her crinkled jacket out, she stumbled into the sensei's lounge for her check in.

"You're late," a some what aggravated voice called from the sign in table. She glanced over from where she was and saw a man whose hair she thought resembled a dying pineapple, and who had a large, thin scar streaked across his face, a man she recognised as that old chuunin Iruka. She remembered him from when she had gone for the exam herself. He was in one of the other teams, he hadn't impressed her much back then and she was surprised that he even passed, and was less surprised when he remained a chuunin as his pairs went in for jounin. She pranced over to the desk, swiftly grabbing the pen from his hand and scribbling down her name.

"Gee, grumpy today are we Pineapple head?" she teased, helping herself to one of the muffins that sat in the lunch box beside him, clearly labelled _IRUKA._

"Hello students!" she stormed into the class, beaming, trying to make her entry as dramatic as she possibly could. But she was cut short when she met Kurenai's un-amused stare.

"Next door," she lipped, pointing right. Anko didn't take the time to look over Kurenai's bewildered class as she shrank backwards out of the room and made her way to her rightful pupils.

This time around she didn't bother to make herself known, she simply slunk into the room, getting straight to the point. Without even introducing herself to the impatient students she said, "Ok, sex is well… it's when the penis is inserted into the vagina." She pulled out a large poster and let it unravel, one of her master piece diagrams she invented herself.

"Any questions?"

The class fell so silent you could have heard a pin drop, until she saw a meek hand shakily rise.

She pointed, indicating for the girl to speak.

"Um, excuse me miss, but… what's a penis?"

She sniggered quietly, gee, she had _a lot_ of work to do.

**FINISH**

Please Review! what did you think?? (Click the green button!)


	2. Mr Grumpy Pineapple

**Authors Note: **Sorry for the late upload! haven't gotten around to completing this chap for ages! Thank you for the reviews!! I got more than I had expected lol, and I do appreciate them, so MORE I say!!

**MAKE OUT EDUCATION: **

**Chapter two**

(Mr Grumpy Pineapple)

"Ok class," Anko paced back and forth, hands tightly clasped behind her back as she browsed the aisles. "A few words that I think need to be listed for this class are…" she pulled one hand in front of her, counting with her fingers, "Penis, vagina, foreskin, breasts, tits, credit card slot, saggerty Anne's (in various cases), dick, pussy, Hairy Mclairey, dildo… etcetera, etcetera, etcetera," she paused, noticing that it was so silent a cricket could have been heard, but of course even crickets would be far too shocked to even chirp, "Oh, and of course hymen." She added. She looked over them, chewing her tongue awkwardly. They were so… _despondent_.

"So ugh… would anyone care to see a dildo?"

They sank back in their chairs, almost cowering.

"Yes I know you have no idea what it is," she said, not waiting for a reply as she pulled the vibrater from her almost over flowing bag.

"Now, do I have any volunteers?" she whacked the object continuously against her palm as if it were a club, "Now don't be shy, it'll be absolutely fine," she stepped closer to her terrified students, looking for the best match for the job. Finally she took her pick.

"You!" she bore into the blue eyes of a blonde haired girl. At this, the child went stiffly pail, retreating behind the book she was clearly pretending to read.

"Well," Anko said expectantly, "What's your name kiddo?"

"Um…" she looked down, "Ino, Ino Yamanaka,"

"Great!" she beamed, grabbing the girl's wrist abruptly and pulling her to the front of the class. Without another word she shoved it into Ino's hand.

"Now there's a switch at the side just there… yes there," she instructed as the confused pupil flicked the button, and the operation was set in motion. The contraption began to rumble, sending an earthquake right up the girl's arm.

"So uh… how does that make you feel…Primo was it?"

"Ino" the child retorted, grinding her teeth together.

"Oh, yes of course, you can turn it off now Primo, and go sit down,"

Ino growled softly, dropping the small machine without a moment's hesitation, and darting back up the rows of seats, making sure to sit at the far back this time.

Anko sighed, dragging her eyes across the students, who in return glared back at her. Were they totally thick? Shy maybe? Perhaps they just held a certain hatred towards her- who on earth knew why.

"Well, first things first," she sighed, after a prolonged fracture of silence, "we should just start with the basics I guess… I think this may be a bit too…" she paused, "advanced." She dug into her over crowded pocket, rummaging for something. There, her fingers had finally latched on to it, and she pried it out. Pacing to the front row of seats once again, she slapped it down on the bench in front of a rather bored looking boy, snapping him from his trance suddenly. His eyes flicked up for a moment, before glazing back over with a dull stare.

"Open it," she ordered.

He took a deep breath, exhaling slowly, as if moving was the most tedious thing he'd ever done. He turned the small, square packaging in his palm for a few moments, then split the plastic ceil effortlessly. Cringing, he pulled the moist, sticky contents out, trying, with all his lazy might, to touch it as little as possible.

"Now hold it up,"

His eyebrow twitched, and before he could argue, she stared at him intently, with an expression that screamed, _do as I say or else._ Of course, the boy was far too sluggish to be bothered with an argument, and inwardly decided that it was far more practical to get the woman's insane antics over and done with. So, despite how incredibly it repulsed him, he raised his hand, the white, soggy object dangling from it.

"Now, can anyone tell me what…"

"A condom," the boy cut in, his voice a troubled mutter.

"Very good!" she beamed, "Uh… what's you're name kid?"

"Shikamaru," he sighed, handing the condom back to her. Extracting another item from her coat, she took it.

"Now" she held up the carrot, "imagine this is an erect penis (a penis being the worm that hangs between the males legs)… when I say the word 'erect', just think of buildings being erected. It just means hard and standing up right…The Leaning Tower of Pisa however, definitely needs some Viagra." She grinned, holding the carrot out in front of her. It had been her last one at home, and her pay didn't come till tomorrow, so she figured that boiling water would sterilise it for tonight's dinner. "This is how you put it on, once the penis is erect," she said, rolling it down the crooked vegetable, "now, once you have done this, there are several things you can do with it, like…" she opened her mouth, slotting it in, as if her orifice was a vending machine, insinuating a blow job. "Or…" she trotted back to the front row, violently thrashing the carrot against the side of the wooden railing, "Best of all... this!"

Iruka, who had been observing for the past five or ten minutes, gasped, his bottom jaw drooping to the ground. What on earth was this woman _doing?_ Had _she_ any idea of that herself? His students, his pride and joy, were being corrupted, their poor, innocent minds being contaminated with this… _filth!_ He felt himself plunging forward into the room, snatching the now massacred vegetable from her hand, pulling it from her reach, "That is quite enough," he said promptly, "Class dismissed,"

**XXX**

That night, Anko had decided to venture on somewhat of a lengthy walk before heading home. So, naturally, when she finally stumbled through the front door of her apartment, she was already exhausted. Kicking off her shoes, she dragged herself to the kitchen, piling the ingredients for her meal onto the table, and slackly pouring them into a pan. That Iruka dude, he'd been so rude! Interrupting her perfectly great lesson. She huffed, just as the students were finally beginning to understand too. She scratched her ankle with her toe nail, waiting impatiently for the water to boil. She stirred angrily, snapping the not yet soaked noodles apart. He had no right, absolutely no right to do what he did, she was called, appointed by the Hokage to do this, NOT him. _Men,_ they thought the owned everything, like they were the king of the jungle. Well, she wasn't a lioness, and he certainly wasn't a lion, so things were going to be a bit different from now on, he was not going to have his way, she decided. And just as she had made this decision, she heard a loud thudding at her front door. She let go of the spoon, leaving it to float in the pot. Who would that be at this hour? It was nearly nine O'clock. Sighing, she turned the element on, and shuffled to the doorway, cracking it open as far as the chain would allow. Immediately, her expression melted into un amusement, "What?" she snapped.

Iruka seemed to shrink back, almost intimidated.

She grinned to herself, ah, the pineapple head was afraid of her.

"Can I come in please Anko?" he asked, too politely. The door slammed shut abruptly, just about cutting off his nose. For a few, drawn out seconds, he was sure she had snobbed him, until he heard the chain jingling, and the knob turned once more, the hinges screeching open. Anko did not have the courtesy to _invite_ him in, or even offer him a reassuring smile, she just turned away and stormed down her hall, swerving back into her kitchen. He shuffled from one foot to the other, in awkward silence, unsure of himself. He gulped, peering into the dimly lit apartment. What did she keep in there? Did she use that creepy snake jutsu to castrate her men or something? Had _any_ man dared to go near her?

Anko paused, listening intently for his footsteps, but none echoed down through her house. She rolled her eyes, "_Men,_" she hissed under her breath, "Are you coming? Or do I have to send something to get you?"

"No!" he squeaked, scrambling in.

"Now what is it?" she said, not reverting her eyes from stirring when he finally entered.

""W-well," he began, hesitantly, "I trust we are both um… mature adults, so I'll just put this straight…"

She thumped the bottom of her pan with the spoon.

"I think your teaching methods are…somewhat… inappropriate,"

"Oh?" she eyed him, causing him to feel a mile shorter than her.

"Yes well," he continued hoarsely, "as you may know, children, particularly of that age group are very impressionable…"

"Oh Iruka!" she threw her head backwards, chuckling, her mood suddenly changing "you look so pale, I'm not going to eat you. Would you like to sit down, and we can discuss this over dinner. Would you like some?"

"What is it?" he glared at her suspiciously.

"Ramen with carrot and other vege's," she did not even wait for a reply as she began pouring two bowls. She needed someone to help her eat this, as she had mistakenly brewed up far too much.

"Uhh… O-ok,"

Anko shoved the bowl into his chest, leading him to the dining room. This was perfect, she had him wrapped around her pinkie finger, and once the knot was tied, she would be able to get away with absolutely anything she wanted. She began slurping at her noodles immediately as they crouched, "Now what was it you wanted to say?" she said, her mouth stuffed full to the brim.

"Yes well," what was with all of his sentences starting with 'yes well'? He sure didn't look well, in fact, he seemed ready to faint, and put the first slice of carrot obliviously in his mouth in an attempt to calm himself.

"You see, I think you need to um… sensor your lessons somewhat…"

"And why do you think that?" she perked an eyebrow.

"Well see, all that sensual stuff isn't all sex is about… you know… there's a bit more to it,"

"Oh? And how exactly would you know Mr Grumpy pineapple," she leaned forward over the table, just enough for a tiny crack of cleavage to show, and smirked slightly at her own rhetorical question.

"I happen to know very well thank you very much," he sucked in a gallon of air, holding his chest firmly high, and proudly pursed his lips. But to his utter astonishment, Anko saw this as an opportunity, leaning forward and brushing her mouth against his, "Oh really?"

His eyelid tore widely apart until she could have sworn they'd completely disappear, "I-I have to go," he stuttered, tripping backwards.

**XXX**

Iruka clicked the door shut behind him, quickly scampering down the stairs and into the street. The woman was mad, that was for sure, stark raving bonkers. He knew for certain he would have to keep a close eye on her after that performance. What in kami's name was the Hokage thinking? He was surprised she was a jounin rather than trapped in a mental institute somewhere. Though, she'd probably end up driving the med-nins in charge of her to admit _themselves_ to the same hospital. He was _not_ up for nutty, sex crazed kunoichi throwing moves on him the night after the love of his life left him.

He crouched down once he was finally in his house, patting his small dog on the head softly, "I guess she left you too aye Asparagus," he sighed. Jeez, what was with the women that were attracted to him and there obsessions with vegetables? Anyone who would call their _dog _Asparagus had to have psychological issues. So why then, he thought, lightly pressing his fingers to his lips, why could he still feel her on him 20 minutes later?

**FINISH**

R . E . V . I . E . W ! ! ! !


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